First day of Lent
I just had a realization about myself. Not only do I lack any discernable level of discipline, but I've avoided becoming disciplined my entire life.
That's no so special. It sounds like the thesis for any self-help book on the market. How I got to this realization may be interesting.
As an adult, that I've played it safe my entire life--even as a kid. I never had a note sent home about me, never got sent to the principal's office; I think the worst punishment was that I once had to write standards. My dad, as he got older, became almost obsessed with worry--I think especially after his father died and he was left without parents. Now, a year after my dad died, I'm riddled with fears--most of which are for things I cannot control, like the state of world affairs, the economy, terrorism (and, honestly, I think we have more reason to be afraid than in any point in my lifetime). I realize that this is a current in my family history, and that my dad's death is not a cause but perhaps a fuel additive. The truth is that I've always been more timid than my size, my experiences, and my personality would normally suggest.
I've been pretty successful in my life. I don't have an advanced degree or anything like that, but I could go to a high-school reunion with my head held high. I think that all of my success, all of my hard work, was motivated by fear. Maybe that's common, but I think I am perhaps totally motivated by fear, which adds an unhealthy level of stress on my life.
And like any mental illness that thwarts its own cure, I have been afraid of those things that would ease my fear--namely, discipline. If discipline was the leverage that helped me get things done, I would need (and heed) my fears less often.
That's no so special. It sounds like the thesis for any self-help book on the market. How I got to this realization may be interesting.
As an adult, that I've played it safe my entire life--even as a kid. I never had a note sent home about me, never got sent to the principal's office; I think the worst punishment was that I once had to write standards. My dad, as he got older, became almost obsessed with worry--I think especially after his father died and he was left without parents. Now, a year after my dad died, I'm riddled with fears--most of which are for things I cannot control, like the state of world affairs, the economy, terrorism (and, honestly, I think we have more reason to be afraid than in any point in my lifetime). I realize that this is a current in my family history, and that my dad's death is not a cause but perhaps a fuel additive. The truth is that I've always been more timid than my size, my experiences, and my personality would normally suggest.
I've been pretty successful in my life. I don't have an advanced degree or anything like that, but I could go to a high-school reunion with my head held high. I think that all of my success, all of my hard work, was motivated by fear. Maybe that's common, but I think I am perhaps totally motivated by fear, which adds an unhealthy level of stress on my life.
And like any mental illness that thwarts its own cure, I have been afraid of those things that would ease my fear--namely, discipline. If discipline was the leverage that helped me get things done, I would need (and heed) my fears less often.
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