Autonomous Reactor

I'm flying down to Burbank to be best man in Ted's wedding. I have had little of it on my mind, though, since work has been a fucking nightmare lately, and I have no one to blame but myself. Yesterday, I worked a 13-hour day, went to meetings I shouldn't have, and did things for people that I bullied myself into. I lack self-esteem and confidence at work, I'm given over quickly to panic, I'm poor at delegating, and sometimes I just think I'm not up to it. The stress is having a horrible effect on my health--I have been having difficulty sleeping, my heart races and I'm filled with anxiety. I'm afraid that something I did, or didn't do correctly, will create a chain-reaction of destruction, loss, discreditation, disappointment, and suspicion. And that is stupid, which gives me one more reason to hate myself: self-hatred.

This is not the way it is supposed to be! I know for a fact that other people have easier jobs that pay more money. Why have I boxed myself into something that is causing me so much dread? Why do I give over so much to it and labor over every decision. I told Wendy today that sometimes I feel like I wear my job like clothing. What I meant was that I become constantly immersed in it that it becomes to me almost invisible. I have to remind myself that it's a job, that it's something I do for money because it becomes so easy for me to think that it has become my purpose. It is not my purpose, and shame on me if I have squandered any days of my life thinking that it was.

P.S.: 4:17 pm: just reading over some journals from the past, I'm amazed by how often I have written this same stuff down without learning it.