Pity Poor Alfie

I'm so sad today, this weekend. Everyone has to be sometime, but I'm so frequently happy and on top of the world that when it comes, it's a crushing blow. We went through a beautiful summer and now, this weekend, we've had rain for the first time in a long time. It's getting colder, too, and we're smoking cigarettes to try to get through it all. Work has been hard the last week, and I feel like everything is crumbling in my hands--like the wolf is at the door, but even that is overdramatic and absurd. I'm quite sure it's all just a loss of confidence, but it's as though everything in my life is disorganized or gone to seed. We went to a party of Wendy's friends yesterday, and everyone was pleasant, but we just couldn't fit in. We were the interlopers, the first to arrive (out of desperation?) and the first to leave (out of despair)? We've got no family here, and we can't keep any friends. I try to cheer myself and think of the pioneers, but I end up feeling soft and ashamed.