FEAR!
I have not written for a long time. I don't record my thoughts during the times of most rapid change. That came out weird. I don't know--I'm trying too hard. What do I want from my future and my past? I want to remember and plan. So many things to write and I don't know where to start.
I quit my job. It had too much power over my life and I had to let it go. It felt as though my organs were somehow being compressed together, as though I was at the bottom of the sea.
I'm growing increasingly scared of things--big and little. Some nuclear arms specialist was quoted in the paper today saying there's a 50-50 chance of a terrorist setting off a nuclear bomb somewhere in the world in the next 10 years. I'm also afraid of car accidents, emerging diseases, economic depression, and social occasions. I'm afraid of the vast, untamed number of things that make me afraid. Like FDR said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
My siblings are not getting along. I've started writing a family digest to keep communications open. I am startled by the amount of anger and suspicion that has developed (or surfaced) since Dad died.
I don't know if Wendy and I will ever be able to conceive a child and I don't know how I feel about that. I really want a son or daughter that looks like me and Wendy, thought it feels selfish to want that. I would be proud to provide a home to a child in need, but I often feel like I'm not ready for that responsibility.
I really need to take better care of myself, too--lose weight, avoid sugar, drink less coffee and alcohol.
Maybe this is why I don't write every day. I seem to rewrite the same things. The problem isn't the writing...it's in not reading what I write.
I quit my job. It had too much power over my life and I had to let it go. It felt as though my organs were somehow being compressed together, as though I was at the bottom of the sea.
I'm growing increasingly scared of things--big and little. Some nuclear arms specialist was quoted in the paper today saying there's a 50-50 chance of a terrorist setting off a nuclear bomb somewhere in the world in the next 10 years. I'm also afraid of car accidents, emerging diseases, economic depression, and social occasions. I'm afraid of the vast, untamed number of things that make me afraid. Like FDR said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
My siblings are not getting along. I've started writing a family digest to keep communications open. I am startled by the amount of anger and suspicion that has developed (or surfaced) since Dad died.
I don't know if Wendy and I will ever be able to conceive a child and I don't know how I feel about that. I really want a son or daughter that looks like me and Wendy, thought it feels selfish to want that. I would be proud to provide a home to a child in need, but I often feel like I'm not ready for that responsibility.
I really need to take better care of myself, too--lose weight, avoid sugar, drink less coffee and alcohol.
Maybe this is why I don't write every day. I seem to rewrite the same things. The problem isn't the writing...it's in not reading what I write.
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