When the Enemy Calls America

"291 enemy of the state" by Mahi Teshneh

"To put it bluntly [long pause] to put it bluntly, if the enemy is calling into America, we really need to know what they're saying, and we need to know what they're thinking." --President George W. Bush, this morning

This was how the President urged lawmakers to give his administration free reign to eavesdrop on international calls. It also might signal that he's approved covert CIA psychic, telepathic, and ESP programs because of our need to know what they're thinking.

But really, Mr. President, don't we need to know how the enemy is feeling?

Before we do all of this, let's find out where the enemy is. First, do we have the enemy's phone number? If so, I hope that you will resist the urge to call the enemy, wait for him to pick up, and then hang up on him. That is so junior high.

What do we do if the enemy calls from a phone booth, or a neighbor's house? Ugh, that's a problem. We should probably filter all calls coming from the enemy's neighborhood -- no, country. Countries.

Damn it! America has so many enemies. Why? It's not fair.

Oh, wait. I get it. We'll need to filter all incoming international phone calls. Now you're talking. But isn't that a lot of work? Well, we'll leave it to the NSA to figure that out. It won't do us any good unless we tap the outgoing calls, too. Let's put that in the bill. Don't forget to monitor Internet traffic, too. The enemy will soon have access to DSL, but you didn't hear that from me.

I'll admit it kind of bothers me that this kind of eavesdropping will inhibit, say, our media's ability to gather accurate news worldwide since, you know, anyone conveying sensitive information that is critical of U.S. policy would kind of be an enemy (not you Joe Wilson, but I'm looking at you, Daniel Ellsberg.). Oh well, you can't make an omelete without breaking some eggs. Given the choice between freedom of the press and safety from the enemy, I know which I would choose!

There, now we're safe. I feel such a relief! Congress can leisurely investigate steroid use in baseball without having to worry about the enemy.

But here comes that worried feeling again, Mr. President. What if this plan doesn't work? What if there's another attack that was planned through homing pigeons, satellite phones or, shit, I don't know, telegraphs or something? What will save us then? Detention camps? Suspended elections? Loyalty oaths? Dude, we have one...it's called the Pledge of Allegiance and it sill works like a charm.

Sometimes, though, I catch myself wishing there was a way to talk to the enemy once we get him on the phone. At the very least, we might honestly appraise what we did, decades ago, to start this war and what we've done in the years since to feed the flames.

God, that's so naive! I wish I hadn't said it. We're America, and we're at war! We're in it to win it! Hooah!

Just one thing, Mr. President. If Congress gives you the authority to use this power, you must promise not to abuse it this time.